WHAT I WOULD BE LIKE ON THE BACHELOR

I love Eric with all my heart, and have loved our almost 5 years together. That being said, I have one regret. I wish we didn't meet till I was older so I could've gone on the bachelor first. In honor of the Bachelor season finale next week I thought I would indulge my fantasy of being on the show and imagine how I would handle production and my 15 minutes of fame... You know, assuming the producers give me a good edit. πŸŒΉ

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I WOULD SLEEP IN MY MAKEUP

They haven't done this in a while, but who remembers a few seasons ago when the bachelor came in at like 4am and woke all the girls up and picked one for a date and she had 5 minutes to get ready?! I've had actual nightmares about this scenario since then. If I were on the show I would literally take off all my makeup at night and go through my routine, but would immediately reapply and sleep in a fresh face of makeup. And in the morning I'd do it all over again, because #skincare. Sounds time consuming, I know, but if they take my phone away anyways what else am I going to do?


QUEEN OF THE EYE ROLLS

If you saw my facial expressions while watching the show, just imagine how elevated that would be actually sitting across these people in person and listening to some of the bogus nonsense these chicks come up with for extra camera time.

I'm sorry, you collect taxidermy??? You're scared of bumper cars?? WTF.

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THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN THE VILLAIN, IS THE PERSON WHO TRIES TO WARN THE BACHELOR ABOUT SAID VILLAIN

You know exactly what I'm referring to. Every season has a villain, the person we love to hate. But then, even worse than them, comes along the self-righteous person who feels entitled to "warn" the bachelor about this EVIL person. Honestly, why?????? You're all always bitching about not getting enough time and then you choose to use all your time talking about another contestant? Let him figure it out on his own, and get off your high horse.

And let's be clear that the producers are obviously telling the bachelor he has to keep the villain around. Just stay in your own lane, girl, and if he's into you at all you'll be just fine.

So, yeah. I can't imagine any scenario where I would complain to the bachelor about a fellow contestant. It's so petty and such a bad look.


NO EXTRAVANGANT LIMO ENTRANCE

Don't really think this one needs any more explanation than that.


WHITE WINE ONLY

I get serious anxiety watching people drink red wine on this show. I would be so scared that it would spill or stain my teeth on camera. Also, calories. I actually prefer white wine to red 99% of the time so it's not like it would be a huge sacrifice, just something I would be hyper aware of. If they only put red wine in front of me, I would just stay sober.


TOTALLY DOWN FOR ROCK CLIMBING, BUNGEE JUMPING, SKYDIVING, ETC. JUST PLEASE DON'T PUT ME ON A GROUP DATE WHERE I HAVE TO PLAY A SPORT.

These sumo wrestling, dodgeball, boxing dates look like absolute hell to me. I always try to be a positive person in the moment so I would still slap a smile on and act like I'm having fun, but I'm sure viewers would be able to see right through it, because on the inside I would be so miserable. 

But take me on a one-on-one scuba diving, rappelling, parasailing or any other adventurous thing you can think of and I would be 100% content and in my element.


WOULD GO TO THE FANTASY SUITE FOR SURE, BUT DEFINITELY WOULDN'T HAVE SEX

I love the fantasy suite because it's the first time you get camera-free time the whole season! For being engaged to someone within 12 weeks of meeting them to even remotely be a possibility, I would have to use every minute of this time talking about all the practical and intimate stuff; what are your political views, what are your religious beliefs, how much money do you make, where would we live, do you have any debt, what diseases run in your family, what kind of parent will you be, etc.? THIS STUFF IS IMPORTANT and there ain't no time for hanky-panky when we have to figure out how our lives will mesh in one week. 

I know there's this whole mentality on "don't buy a car without test driving it first", but come on guys... if you have chemistry with someone, you know it. I'm not "test-driving" anyone that just spent the last two nights "test-driving" two other girls. Gross.

If there's a chance we could really make it work, you should be able to know that despite keeping it in your pants. πŸ€·πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ


YES TO PARADISE. NO TO THE BACHELORETTE.

If they asked me to paradise after, I'd be there in a heartbeat. That's probably my favorite show from the bachelor franchise because it's just so much more laid back and such a better atmosphere for forming friendships and romantic relationships. But I would NEVER agree to being the bachelorette. It seems like so much pressure and stress, and I know I would overthink every single step of the process, to the point where I wouldn't enjoy it at all.


WOULD 100% START A PODCAST AFTER.

I know literally every bachelor/bachelorette is now starting a podcast post-production, but I don't judge them for a second. If you just went through all this craziness associated with the show, at least make it worthwhile by taking advantage of every opportunity that comes your way after! Props to these people capitalizing on this, and you better believe if I was ever on the show I would be on the hunt for a podcast producer the same day I got sent home. Who knows, I may even promote a skinny tea or at-home cooking service too. πŸ˜‰ #noshame

 
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